Tuesday, May 29, 2012
LEANING IN ON GOD TO LET GO
He came to us as a 2 month old puppy, and lived for 11 years. Only four days have passed since we said goodbye to our loyal friend. I have cried every day and night especially... my grief is beyond me. Being at home is the hardest so far. There are many reminders and I "see" my Charlie everywhere, around corners or laying somewhere. At certain times I remind myself to let him out or feed him. He kept us on a strict schedule and when we forgot, he reminded us. I used to laugh at the silent stare I would receive!
We are on vacation now, but I see dogs once again everywhere... and I envy those hands that hold a leash. My hands are so empty now, and I need to pet and hug.
I cannot get the image of his last breath out of my mind. Most people would say they couldn't go through it... but I knew I had to. His unconditional love for me meant I needed to be there for him, no matter how painful for me to watch. I know I spared him his suffering... but the guilt is eating at me. Were there still some more good days? Or were there days of more pain? He had a tumor near his spine and also had lymphoma. My vet gave him only 2 months and for all we knew, he was sick long before he showed it.
When we found out from the vet after bloodwork and an x-ray, we were shocked. The nurse said that dogs will just deal with the pain as if that is what they need to do, just to go on. We had been going on long walks together... it wasn't until after the diagnosis that I saw him slowing down... how did I miss it?
So I ask my GOD to relieve my pain... to help me continue to move forward. I know HE will help me with all the guilt, and I know that HE will bring to us another furry friend again. I grew up with animals and was taught they are a gift from GOD, and we are to take good care of them.
If you are reading this and you own one of GOD'S creatures, hug them today and don't take them for granted. They love us unconditionally, and are gone way too soon.
PSALM 42:5 "WHY IS MY HEART SO SAD? I WILL PUT MY HOPE IN GOD!"